Pumping myself up
... with yet more caffeine and music... crankin' on my Fuel edits, making some serious progress... I'm up to page 103 of 177, and things are going well. I'm at the point in the book where I'm coming to terms with the fact of the fuel protest, and I'm supremely pissed off at everyone for creating the conditions in which I found myself -- emotionally and mentally depleted by overwork, and physically stuck by the petrol blockade.
God, did I need a vacation, back then. I'm surprised that I did as well as I did in Cornwall, as a matter of fact. Looking back and what I wrote five years ago, I was severely depleted on all levels, and I'm surprised I was as resilient as I was. I'm surprised I was actually able to process everything that was going on. Of course, I had my limits, and a lot slipped by me, but at the same time, I think I was pretty lucid at the time, and I could get a grip on what was taking place around me with some semblance of sanity.
I marvel, nowadays, at the exuberance and singleminded dedication I felt for my work in the late 90's. I mean, I really, really, really *believed*. I thought for sure that all my/our hard work was going to amount to something, and that we'd be rewarded for jobs well-done. I thought we'd at least be able to keep some semblance of ownership, that we'd be able to take credit for our work, that people would see what we'd put into all that web development -- the sacrifices we made in our personal lives, the dedication with which we figured out how to do things that had Never Been Done Before. I thougth that there would be at least some recognition.
But now, years later, I look around me at the travesties of mis-management and political posturing, the scourge of outsourcing and "offshoring" (how the hell did the adjective "offshore" get to be a verb, anyway? it deeply offends my grammatical senses, and anyone who doesn't agree with me strikes me as a little light on literacy)... I look around me at all that we've accomplished. We've accomplished a whole lot, too. I was one of the folks that people scoffed at in 1996, when I told them the web really mattered. And now those same people are acting as though they invented the stuff. It's just crazy. I mean, I really, truly, honestly believed in what we were doing. And the fact that I've been shown the door by people I've worked with, on numerous occasions, because of politics or posturing, or the simple fact that they didn't know what to do with a butch dyke (they didn't *have* to do anything with me -- just live and let live, dude!)... all of it just burns and stings, and no ointment will make the swelling go down.
I guess it's just greed at work, as usual. You build something pure and good and promising, and the people with holes in their souls who crave MORE-MORE-MORE and will stop at nothing to get it, arrive to stake their claim and push you out of the way. It's the way of the world, I suppose. But it really sucks.
Oh, what the hell. All that stuff I was working on, once upon a time, is over and done. It's been done so many times, it's not even new anymore. What do I care about all of that old news? What do I care about what was innovative ten years ago? There are new things out there, new technologies to follow up on, new ways of doing what I love to do, and I can't let it get to me, that I outstayed my welcome, an innovator in a land of status quo devotees.
It's been really good, having the past month off. I know I didn't spend all my time on Fuel, the way I'd intended, but I needed a break. I needed a serious break. It's been years and years, since I last had any time off, and it's been great, having time to unwind and "thaw out", as an acquaintance of mine puts it.
I've really needed a thaw. I mean, I wasn't working at fever pitch every single day of my web development life, but I never really gave myself permission to have down-time longer than a day or two. And illness has been my main way of allowing myself the leisure of not doing anything at all.
Of course, part of the problem, is that I love the work I do. Heaven help me, I love the world of the web, the code, the applications, even the bugs and inconsistencies. I love the act of sitting down at a computer and causing something new and unique to come into being. It's about as intensely creative an activity, as any I can think of -- even if there is no brush or pen or musical instrument involved. Coding is still an art, and I've missed it, over the past month that I've been away from it. Oh, sure, I've been working with Podtopia, my podcasting platform, and I've been doing some coding, here and there of different websites I've been maintaining. But I haven't been neck-deep in it, like I used to be, and I miss that old activity.
Used to be, I was up to my eyeballs in code, each and every day (even weekends, when I was working on my own coding projects). Used to be, I was up on everything. But over time, I've found myself drifting away from the coding and finding myself focusing more on what I want to do with a coded application.
Like publishing Fuel. Like publishing these blogs. Like podcasting. It's all very well and good, to build things. But it's fun to use them, as well. And end-use is what I'm into, these days.
I wonder, sometimes, if one of the reasons I've gotten away from coding, has been because I'm "a girl". At my next-to-last position at my former employer, I was working (and trying to code) in an environment that was very strictly divided between Men and Women.
Men were MEN and Women were WOMEN -- never the twain did meet. It was a little creepy, in a 50's kind of way, actually. The women were all deliberately feminine, and they were really rewarded for being good girls -- being supportive of the guys and nice and never using harsh language or being loud... The guys were all constantly rewarded for being GUYS -- boisterous, loud, a little rowdy, jock-ish, into sports and cars and all that. It was a little surreal, in this day and age. As though everyone were going overboard to prove what paragons of conventional gender expression they were. In 1955, I would have expected it. But in 2005? Oh, honestly.
I think a lot of them thought I didn't care for them. In fact, my boss asked me a bunch of times, if I liked working there. It was a job. Was I supposed to love it? I mean, honestly. I show up to do my work, not bolster other people's flagging egos and allay their insecurities and fears. It felt like I was on constant "nurture alert" as a female member of the team. After all, that's what "girls" do, right? Nurture the poor afflicted men around them, who have troubles at home with the wife and kids.
Everybody's got their thing, and nobody's perfect, of course, but someone please give me a break. Work should be about work -- not healing the emotional wounds of members of the opposite gender.
Well, it'sjust as well that they never really made me feel 100% welcome (not knowing what to do with me, and all, since I wasn't the most feminine chick at work, and I was loud and used harsh language and as a little too... too, for most of their tastes). It softened the blow of leaving them behind. Just picking up and leaving that burnout shop would have been far more difficult, had I really liked the environment I worked in, and had it liked me.
But I did leave them behind. And I feel like I've left more than that employer behind me. I've distanced myself from the obsessive-compulsive, addictive work habits that drove me for so many years. I've taken a break from the GO-GO-GO mentality, and I've traded it in for a more measured approach. An approach that recognizes that I've been doing web development for a decade, now, and I don't need to run around like a chicken with my head cut off, to get things done. Experience should be used to take a more careful, thoughtful approach to your application development, so that you don't make the same mistakes twice, and you don't burn yourself out before you hit the end-game.
That's where I'm at now - using my experience to publish print/electronic/audio. Using what I know, to accomplish things in different ways. In new ways. In ways that haven't been done before. And keeping out ahead of the pack, where I belong.
Podcasting.
Publishing in print.
Blogging till the cows come home.
Publicizing when I can, without being completely obnoxious about it.
Just taking things to the next level in a careful, considered, logically sound manner, consistent with what I know about myself, the technology world, the web, readers, audiences, and the limits of all of the above.
God, did I need a vacation, back then. I'm surprised that I did as well as I did in Cornwall, as a matter of fact. Looking back and what I wrote five years ago, I was severely depleted on all levels, and I'm surprised I was as resilient as I was. I'm surprised I was actually able to process everything that was going on. Of course, I had my limits, and a lot slipped by me, but at the same time, I think I was pretty lucid at the time, and I could get a grip on what was taking place around me with some semblance of sanity.
I marvel, nowadays, at the exuberance and singleminded dedication I felt for my work in the late 90's. I mean, I really, really, really *believed*. I thought for sure that all my/our hard work was going to amount to something, and that we'd be rewarded for jobs well-done. I thought we'd at least be able to keep some semblance of ownership, that we'd be able to take credit for our work, that people would see what we'd put into all that web development -- the sacrifices we made in our personal lives, the dedication with which we figured out how to do things that had Never Been Done Before. I thougth that there would be at least some recognition.
But now, years later, I look around me at the travesties of mis-management and political posturing, the scourge of outsourcing and "offshoring" (how the hell did the adjective "offshore" get to be a verb, anyway? it deeply offends my grammatical senses, and anyone who doesn't agree with me strikes me as a little light on literacy)... I look around me at all that we've accomplished. We've accomplished a whole lot, too. I was one of the folks that people scoffed at in 1996, when I told them the web really mattered. And now those same people are acting as though they invented the stuff. It's just crazy. I mean, I really, truly, honestly believed in what we were doing. And the fact that I've been shown the door by people I've worked with, on numerous occasions, because of politics or posturing, or the simple fact that they didn't know what to do with a butch dyke (they didn't *have* to do anything with me -- just live and let live, dude!)... all of it just burns and stings, and no ointment will make the swelling go down.
I guess it's just greed at work, as usual. You build something pure and good and promising, and the people with holes in their souls who crave MORE-MORE-MORE and will stop at nothing to get it, arrive to stake their claim and push you out of the way. It's the way of the world, I suppose. But it really sucks.
Oh, what the hell. All that stuff I was working on, once upon a time, is over and done. It's been done so many times, it's not even new anymore. What do I care about all of that old news? What do I care about what was innovative ten years ago? There are new things out there, new technologies to follow up on, new ways of doing what I love to do, and I can't let it get to me, that I outstayed my welcome, an innovator in a land of status quo devotees.
It's been really good, having the past month off. I know I didn't spend all my time on Fuel, the way I'd intended, but I needed a break. I needed a serious break. It's been years and years, since I last had any time off, and it's been great, having time to unwind and "thaw out", as an acquaintance of mine puts it.
I've really needed a thaw. I mean, I wasn't working at fever pitch every single day of my web development life, but I never really gave myself permission to have down-time longer than a day or two. And illness has been my main way of allowing myself the leisure of not doing anything at all.
Of course, part of the problem, is that I love the work I do. Heaven help me, I love the world of the web, the code, the applications, even the bugs and inconsistencies. I love the act of sitting down at a computer and causing something new and unique to come into being. It's about as intensely creative an activity, as any I can think of -- even if there is no brush or pen or musical instrument involved. Coding is still an art, and I've missed it, over the past month that I've been away from it. Oh, sure, I've been working with Podtopia, my podcasting platform, and I've been doing some coding, here and there of different websites I've been maintaining. But I haven't been neck-deep in it, like I used to be, and I miss that old activity.
Used to be, I was up to my eyeballs in code, each and every day (even weekends, when I was working on my own coding projects). Used to be, I was up on everything. But over time, I've found myself drifting away from the coding and finding myself focusing more on what I want to do with a coded application.
Like publishing Fuel. Like publishing these blogs. Like podcasting. It's all very well and good, to build things. But it's fun to use them, as well. And end-use is what I'm into, these days.
I wonder, sometimes, if one of the reasons I've gotten away from coding, has been because I'm "a girl". At my next-to-last position at my former employer, I was working (and trying to code) in an environment that was very strictly divided between Men and Women.
Men were MEN and Women were WOMEN -- never the twain did meet. It was a little creepy, in a 50's kind of way, actually. The women were all deliberately feminine, and they were really rewarded for being good girls -- being supportive of the guys and nice and never using harsh language or being loud... The guys were all constantly rewarded for being GUYS -- boisterous, loud, a little rowdy, jock-ish, into sports and cars and all that. It was a little surreal, in this day and age. As though everyone were going overboard to prove what paragons of conventional gender expression they were. In 1955, I would have expected it. But in 2005? Oh, honestly.
I think a lot of them thought I didn't care for them. In fact, my boss asked me a bunch of times, if I liked working there. It was a job. Was I supposed to love it? I mean, honestly. I show up to do my work, not bolster other people's flagging egos and allay their insecurities and fears. It felt like I was on constant "nurture alert" as a female member of the team. After all, that's what "girls" do, right? Nurture the poor afflicted men around them, who have troubles at home with the wife and kids.
Everybody's got their thing, and nobody's perfect, of course, but someone please give me a break. Work should be about work -- not healing the emotional wounds of members of the opposite gender.
Well, it'sjust as well that they never really made me feel 100% welcome (not knowing what to do with me, and all, since I wasn't the most feminine chick at work, and I was loud and used harsh language and as a little too... too, for most of their tastes). It softened the blow of leaving them behind. Just picking up and leaving that burnout shop would have been far more difficult, had I really liked the environment I worked in, and had it liked me.
But I did leave them behind. And I feel like I've left more than that employer behind me. I've distanced myself from the obsessive-compulsive, addictive work habits that drove me for so many years. I've taken a break from the GO-GO-GO mentality, and I've traded it in for a more measured approach. An approach that recognizes that I've been doing web development for a decade, now, and I don't need to run around like a chicken with my head cut off, to get things done. Experience should be used to take a more careful, thoughtful approach to your application development, so that you don't make the same mistakes twice, and you don't burn yourself out before you hit the end-game.
That's where I'm at now - using my experience to publish print/electronic/audio. Using what I know, to accomplish things in different ways. In new ways. In ways that haven't been done before. And keeping out ahead of the pack, where I belong.
Podcasting.
Publishing in print.
Blogging till the cows come home.
Publicizing when I can, without being completely obnoxious about it.
Just taking things to the next level in a careful, considered, logically sound manner, consistent with what I know about myself, the technology world, the web, readers, audiences, and the limits of all of the above.
posted by Kay Stoner at 8:54 AM
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